Psalm 91
Major depressive disorder affects approximately 7.1% of the US population*, and, according to the Centers for Disease Control, women are almost twice as likely to have had depression. People who have depression may also have other illnesses or medical conditions. According to the ADAA, people with depression might also suffer from anxiety disorders.
Learning that I’m one of those statistics was a hard pill to swallow. I’d just recently started therapy, and my therapist had already diagnosed me from some of our first few sessions — it was kind of a gut punch to realize that it was that obvious to a professional. I wondered if it was that apparent for others. I thought a lot about what it meant for my relationship with God. What do you do as a Believer when you find these things out about yourself? You make mistakes all along your faith walk so you can become more like Christ, but what do you do when you find out that this is not just some mistake but a thing that you live with while walking with Him? I wondered if it made me less of a Believer to have a brain that’s wired itself to filter out good things. To suffer from the remembrance of traumas you left behind because there are triggers that occur in your present. Did these things make me less than because they were tangible proof that my mind is not Christ’s?
I had a tough time swallowing that pill because I thought I left all of that behind me before my walk with Christ. And despite knowing the truth in the Word, being diagnosed with depression and PTSD just felt like a very “not His will” reality. I thought that in your walk, God brings you out of all of that. I figured that if I believed, then God would make it all go away. I figured I would be fine and healed and completely restored, but I've learned that might not always be the case — and that’s okay. You see, Paul had a thorn in his side throughout his entire ministry. A thorn with an origin he knew of and a burden that he prayed for God to remove three different times. Instead of saying, “okay, I will remove it,” God told him, “My grace is sufficient for you. My power works best in your weakness.” (Ephesians 12:7-9)
When I think about how I’ve lived with depressive episodes for years, emotional triggers that remind me of past pains, and that I’ve carried it all for this time, I think about that thorn in Paul’s side and God’s grace for him. Despite the evil that clung to him and tormented him day in and day out, God strengthened him for his journey and empowered him for ministry. God became the strength he needed when he was weak. Yes, it could have been removed, but if the whole point is a relationship with his Heavenly Father, then the thorn was simply a stepping stone to a greater understanding of faith, grace, and love. All of which he did receive.
This past week was cloudy for me, and what began as the most painful period of the year thus far has become the most eye-opening and healing part of the year. I learned that God’s grace is sufficient for me. Glory to God!
On Sunday morning, I was in a negative thought space that was difficult to get out of. The entire week was an emotional gut punch. Thought after thought, lie after lie, it all just piled one on top of the other. I was reminded of a series of different events that happened at completely different times but caused the same emotional, mental, and physical response. It was almost too much to bear alone, so I decided to journal. I wrote about my pain and the remembrance of it all, and, at some point, I had a vision. I was sitting in a dark room on the ground with my knees pressed to my chest, my hands clasped over my ears, and my eyes shut tight. I was surrounded by a gust of grey matter, grey clouds, and grey debris that whirled around me as if I was in the eye of a tornado. It spun more violently as tears rolled down my face, and I just wanted to make it stop. Then all of a sudden, He was there, so bright, dressed completely in white, and the moment I opened my eyes to look up, He reached out to take my hand. I placed my hand in His. He lifted me and hugged me. At that moment, everything stopped — the clouds disappeared, the matter and debris crashed to the floor. I was covered, and I was okay.
While at church later that day, the most amazing thing happened — and this never happens — I opened my bible to the exact verse pastor would be preaching from. I was so astonished I even took a photo with my iPhone. God was talking to me, and, boy, did He. For everything I’d journaled about, everything I saw that morning, He showed me comfort. Everything was all right there. Psalms 91 reads:
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord, He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. Just open your eyes, and see how the wicked are punished.
If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague shall come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will reach fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
The Lord says,” I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will secure and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.”
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Father, thank you for being our refuge. Thank you for being our strong tower. Thank you for your love and protection that goes with us to the ends of the earth and is never too far from our reach. I pray for any of your children who may suffer from the same or any other anxiety disorders, and anyone who may be struggling with identity in You. You alone are God. Remind them as you reminded me that you are there and you are a safe place. That you are our protector. Remind them of your unfailing love, which we receive by the grace given by faith in Christ. I pray that You alone are strength for them so long as they choose You. And bless them for a revelation in your word, just as you have blessed me.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
Some sources mentioned and not mentioned with information about depression, anxiety disorders, and their statistics:
Anxiety and Depression Association of America | Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance | National Institute of Mental Health
If you are depressed, anxious, or dealing with anything that is affecting your mental and emotional health and your ability to participate in your daily/social activities, please always be sure to seek professional help. It’s important to understand what is going on and talk with someone for the best actionable steps to take towards healing. Below, I have listed some resources below that have helped me in the past and currently. In no way am I a therapist or a healthcare professional. God has blessed us with people gifted and trained in that specific line of work who can hold space for us in ways that we need, and it’s ALWAYS encouraged to seek that help if and when you can.
To find a therapist: Psychology Today | Better Help | Better Help's Faith-based Counseling | Talkspace | My Wellbeing
To log daily moods:
Moodpath is a mental health companion that asks you morning, midday, and evening questions and lets you log your moods/journal and gives insights to those things every 14+ days.
Reflectly is a simple journaling app that asks questions about your day, and logs your mood and allows you to make entries as many times as you’d like
To stay encouraged:
Shine App lets you log your gratitude via a text message style journal, and you can always scroll to see past entries. I used the free version of the app, which has limited audio services, BUT you can listen freely with a paid subscription. The free ones did help me during my daily commutes.
I often read anxiety and depression directed devotionals on the Bible App, The Passion Translation, and Our Daily Bread.
To meditate:
Relax Melodies is an app with music and sounds for sleep, meditation, and relaxation. This app has helped to calm me down on days I’ve felt restless, and on nights I had trouble sleeping
Some sounds played at higher/different frequencies can relax your mind, relieve anxiety attacks, and calm your muscles. These playlists can be found on most streaming services by typing “Binaural Beats” in the search bar. (Please speak to a licensed healthcare professional about this as it pertains to your specific anxiety.)
If you are having suicidal thoughts or are self-harming in any way please call the national suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255. I know that it feels like the world is crashing down on your shoulders, and I know exactly how that can feel. But we are in this together — you are loved, you matter, and it will get better. Always.
all photos taken by: Curt Saunders
