It does get better
I don’t think it’s common for the church to speak openly about certain topics, especially mental health. I’m sure many of us might be or have brothers and sisters in Christ who are suffering mentally but don’t talk about it. In my experience, it’s a conversation that’s avoided or overlooked when we discuss transformation and healing in Christ. I’d never heard it in relation to receiving God’s love, so I never felt completely comfortable talking about my struggles with depression and anxiety. For a long time, I didn’t believe there was space for honesty in my testimony about that part of my life. It isn’t socially acceptable to say with some level of boldness, “Yes, I used to self-harm, and I’ve had suicidal thoughts.”
Since the effects of COVID-19 have left me without a job, I had to stop my therapy sessions due to affordability. Alternatively, I’ve been processing through my emotions, feelings, and thoughts without those conversations — it’s been tough. This quarantine season has taught me a lot about letting go of unhealthy patterns and cycles by bringing them to my attention. I’m learning that submitting to the transformation I’m walking in every day means allowing my body to be a living sacrifice so my mind and heart can be renewed in Christ. I’ve learned a lot about myself and old thought patterns that no longer serve me or the message that God has placed on my heart. One of them has had a lot to with self-acceptance as a result of God’s love. I’ve had to accept that my brain has developed in a way where I repeat unhealthy patterns and cycles in an attempt to survive and protect myself. I’ve also had to accept that God desires to change the way I think and receive everything. He desires to transform my perspective and reshape it so I can live.
For the sake of honesty, I did self-harm, and I was suicidal. When I was younger, I hated myself. I felt worthless and insignificant. I felt like an ‘other,’ and I didn’t like that. The day my parents found out I was cutting was the day I tried to suffocate myself in my closet. I felt misjudged, uncared for, and alone. Nobody understood the emotional and mental turmoil I was in, not even myself. It wasn’t until halfway through high school that I stopped physically harming my body. One of my friends saw my arms and was upset, but they didn’t shame me or speak harshly toward me. Instead, they listened to me, asked me to stop, and checked on me often to make sure I was okay. What lasted 4 years of my life, ended in about a week.
In college, a similar thing had happened. I was in a depressive spiral after a bad break-up and wasn’t attending my classes. I finally decided to stop thinking cruelly about myself after a friend lectured me about self-worth and my worth in Christ. They demanded I tell myself I’m beautiful every day, and if I didn’t, they’d beat me up. That lecture sat with me for a while and a week later, I looked at my reflection, and reluctantly told the girl in the mirror, “You are beautiful.” That day, a battle of over 10 years came to its climax.
My attempt to end my life didn’t work out, and it didn’t happen for a good reason — God’s love for me is BIGGER. From the moment I realized my worth in Christ, I realized my life had a purpose because God loved me. I didn’t want to be blind to my value and beauty. I didn’t want to live in bondage to insecurities, pain, and distress. I desired to be healed and whole, to see myself for who I am, not who I am. I wanted to see what happened for me and not what’s happened to me. The moment I decided to walk in all of what God had been speaking over my life, I entered a spiritual and mental battle for my life. I went to war with the enemy of my mind, backed and protected by the love of my heavenly Father.
I don’t credit my friends for being the reason I stopped self-harming. I stopped self-harming because God loved me enough to send someone to be there for me when I was at my lowest. I don’t credit those events for “curing” my depression and anxiety. I wasn’t cured of my mental illness; however, I was set free from its bondage. I’m not captive to the loudness of my pain and the terror of the storm anymore. My refuge is in Christ, who shields me — He showed me it on a day when everything felt like it sucked.
This period inside has been showing me that God desires to transform the way I think. I’m seeing unhealthy habits and thoughts and asking myself where it comes from and if it has validity. I remind myself of the times where the opposite has happened. I make space for myself to talk through what I’m feeling instead of bottling it in. I make space for my feelings. I make space to accept that sadness, grief, and pain are a part of life’s journey to joy, comfort, and healing. My pain and my past don’t separate me from God’s love; it’s part of the reason why He loves and chooses me every day. As I humble myself to be weak before Him, to be scared, to admit my hurt, to share in my losses and confusion, my heavenly Father speaks peace over my life.
Every day is a day to declare peace over my heart and mind, and some days I don’t. But God still covers me. Every day is a chance to check in with my emotional and mental health to know what’s going on, and sometimes I don’t know what’s going on. But God does. Every day I do what I can to be mindful of what I consume and how much of it I ingest, and some days I’m not as protective of myself as I could be. But God brings me to rest and step away. Every day I make an effort to take every thought captive to the Word of God and the obedience of Christ. Every day, I’m allowing my heart and mind to be transformed to see, know, and fully realize who I am in Christ. Every day, I choose to step into the unconditional love of a Father who knows my broken heart and does everything He can to put the pieces back together. It’s not always easy; sometimes, I'm not completely successful. Some days are harder than others. I grow weary, but one thing I know for sure:
No matter how hard it gets and how scary it looks, rest is around the corner and the light always reveals what’s hidden. No matter how long the storm and how frigid the winter, the sun will shine, and spring will always come. There is a time for everything, so that means there is a time for victory. It might happen slowly or it might arrive quickly, but joy will come in the morning, and it does get better.
If you are depressed, anxious, or dealing with anything that is affecting your mental or emotional health and your ability to participate in your daily/social activities, please always seek professional help. It’s important to understand what is going on with you and to have a safe space to talk. In a previous post, I’ve shared some resources that you can still access. I am not a therapist or a healthcare professional. God has blessed us with people gifted and trained in that specific line of work who can hold space for us in ways that we need, and it’s ALWAYS encouraged to seek that help if and when you can.
If you are having suicidal thoughts or are self-harming in any way please call the national suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255. Know that you are not alone and we are in this together. You are loved, you matter, and you will get through this.
