nine years
This post is significantly overdue, and it took me a long time to stop shaming myself for it. Honestly, I needed to sit with this message and chew on it for a bit. I needed a moment to really come into an understanding not just of why I needed to share this, but why this is a message I need to walk in every day. And, in understanding that, understanding why it’s important for others to hear it too. So, shall we?
Nine years ago, God tugged on my heart and called me to come closer. That was the first time in my life I could ever remember something like that happening. It was on a Saturday morning, and I woke up in a bed that wasn’t my own — and God called me out of that bed and into His presence. Needless to say, I answered the call and have been answering ever since.
Over the course of nine years, God has brought me through a lot. I’ve been over mountains, through valleys, between rocks and hard places. I’ve weathered storms, fought battles, stood tall in victories, and struggled in my sufferings. I’ve been courageous, faithful, afraid, uncertain, bold, dishonest, and vulnerable. And He not only brought me through it all but He was with me the entire time. Every single moment of this walk I spent with Him and in His presence.
This past week, I’ve been very reflective about those nine years. I sat on the edge of my bed almost every morning expressing how amazed I am at the fact that nine years ago from this exact time, I wasn’t this person. And if I would’ve been told I’d be who I am, doing what I do, and where I am today, I would’ve dismissed and missed the mark completely. This walk has been such a wonderful time, and I wouldn’t trade any second of it for the world. I’ve come to know God in a way that’s so special to me, I cherish it more than anything in this world.
This relationship I have with God is something I never believed would be possible for me, and it took nine years for me to see just how possible it was. I remember praying about it in disbelief, wondering if I’d ever get to know who God is and His heart for me. For the past few days, all I remember is waking up just about every morning with praise on my tongue about who He is, has become, and has always been to me.
I’ve been getting to know who God is for as long as I’ve been actively walking with Him, yet He showed me that He’s always been the same to me since before I was even a thought in the world. I’ve been getting to know God, the One who told me I was set apart by Him from the day I was knit by His mighty hands and delicate fingers. I’ve been getting to know the same God who was with Abraham, Hagar, David, Moses, Esther, Ruth, Jonah, and all the prophets, people, and disciples we learn about in the scriptures. I’ve been getting to know what His Word says about Him and how much there is to learn and know. And I’ve been knee-deep in this lesson since the beginning of quarantine when Hosea 6:6 was embedded into my heart so deep that it cannot escape my memory. “I want you to know me.”
I’ve lived the past nine years getting to know who God is without fully realizing it, that is until this last week when I could finally see. As an added bonus, I’ve also spent that time becoming who I am today.
Not too long ago, I wrote a post about identity and wanting to know who I am. I spent a lot of my life trying to figure out the answer to that monumental question, yet no answer could ever suffice or stick long enough to give me assurance of my value, worth, and purpose. Much of my life I’ve always known myself based on what I do or what people tell me about me, but not once did I ever stop to really evaluate if those things were really who I am. It wasn’t until a few days after I made that post about identity and wondering who this me is that God gave me an answer.
I heard it as clear as day. It was an answer not just for myself, but for anyone who is ready and willing to hear and receive it. The message still gives me chills and sets a fire in my soul. It’s goodness like freshly baked bread each time I think about it.
As per usual, I was sitting on my bed thinking when Romans 8:38 came to mind. It’s a verse every Believer is very well acquainted with because of how often it’s used as a form of encouragement: “you are more than a conqueror.” This time, though, the thought was different. The Spirit shifted my focus on the point of measure in that sentence Paul wrote. More than. I sat here squinting my eyes and asking my Heavenly Father why it was so significant. I kept asking until I got an answer, and it came to me loud and clear:
“Because you are more than a conqueror. You are so much more than a conqueror, so much more than what you can do. Your identity is found in who I AM.”
The phrase, “your identity is found in Christ,” has always been so confusing for me for so many reasons. The main reason being who Christ was as I’d always learned about Him. Christ was my savior, my saving grace, my King, my Master. He is God and the source of everything I need. I’m called to a great purpose, and He can reveal that to me. And if I just sought out the One who made me, He would show me my purpose and, thus, show me who I am — as a tool, an earthly vessel to do His will. Though there’s Biblical truth to what I just said, I was so misguided.
I was missing the mark. I was missing the point. I was disregarding the real message. Christ is the Word of God made flesh to walk among people as the Son of God. Christ lived as a child of God, and in His entire ministry, we see it. It’s not hidden, it’s very direct. Just about every time He spoke of God, He said Father. God, Himself, told us who He is to us so plainly. Christ’s very identity revealed to us who HE IS.
when I landed on that truth, another question came to mind: “Your identity is found in who I AM, so who do you say I am and what does that make you?”
It was as if a veil had been raised and I could see as clear as day who this new me is. She’s lovely, beautiful, radiant, confident, courageous, bold, dignified, and free. She’s actually not entirely new at all, I’m just becoming familiar with her. She is the new creation that I’ve been becoming over the course of nine years. A resurrection of who I have always been in Christ, and a transformation from an old, dead me to a revived, alive me.
The answer to my initial question is so simple, one that I never would’ve imagined believing and understanding until recently. Who is this new me? She’s been me all along — she is a Child of God. I am a Child of God.
My Heavenly Father who called me into His home nine years ago and has been walking with me, teaching me, grooming me, transforming me, and loving me ever since calls me His Child. The highest calling I could ever have in life. I have been a child of God for as long as I have walked this earth, and I am finally waking up to see it. And with it is the inheritance that has been prepared for me in advance of my arrival.
Like the prodigal son, I left home in search of more. Searching for anything and everything that could fill the void that was in my heart because I didn’t know who I was, Whose I was, and what was for me. I left home for answers to questions only my Father could answer. And even though every answer still felt empty, each one led me all the way back to where I belong: protected and faithfully loved in my Fathers arms.
I am a Child of God, and I’m finally home.
It’s by the grace of God that I can share this message of love with y’all. And it’s by the Spirit that I’m able to tell you this:
You are loved sweet child of God, and it’s always a good time to come home.
Photos taken by Curt Saunders
