it's been a long time

At the start of this week, I realised I’ve lived in New York since my early twenties. I moved here in 2017, when I was 23. 23. That’s wild. This is the longest I’ve stayed in one place on my own at one time, and I know I’m no longer the girl I was when I arrived.

I’m no longer the girl I was when I left Texas. No longer the girl I was when that Delta flight landed at JFK. No longer the young woman I grew into a year later, or the year after that, or the years after that. I didn’t leave me behind in 2017; rather, I grew. Over the last five years, I’ve been in a process of becoming. No longer Jazzmine — though she’s very much a part of who I am and my testimony — but becoming JazzMINE, which is my given name.

I remember when I left Houston for Brooklyn. I remember telling my pastor and church family that I was coming here for Christ. I remember saying that God was using the art residency to get me here. “God is moving me so I can grow in my relationship with Him.” The truth is that, at the time, I didn’t know what I was talking about. My one way ticket here was a seed; I wanted to see what God was bringing me here for. I can confirm now that it was for all of that and so much more.

5 years. That’s how long I’ve been here.

5 years of growth.

5 years of wins.

5 years of losses.

5 years of lessons.

5 years of new creation.

5 years of inspiration.

5 years of redemption.

5 years of healing.

5 years of seeking.

5 years of revelation.

5 years of transformation.

5 years of becoming.

5 years of unlearning.

5 years of loving.

5 years of unveiling.

It’s been a long time since the last time I’ve written anything in this space. In my time away, I went through a lot, and it took a lot to get to this point. For a while, I hid; mostly hiding my voice and the gifts that God’s given me. Then shame and guilt settled in because I knew I wasn’t doing what God kept telling me to do: speak.

He kept telling me to speak, to share much of myself more publicly, and I retreated in terror. As I retreated, God never left my side. Instead, He walked through all of my fear with me and showed me the truth of what I was afraid of. I was afraid of the power I walk in and the anointing on my life. I was afraid of my own potential and that it would be made manifest by God’s strength and help. I was afraid of being more open about who I am in Christ. I was being unveiled, and the exposure of showing and sharing more of me in a very public way made me feel bare bones and naked. So I hid, much like Adam and Eve did in the garden.

Bare bones and naked; however, is not what unveiling means. The Lord had to show me that just like He showed me there’s a difference between fear and afraid. Unveiling is revelation and presentation, and that difference? It’s a choice. Fear is a feeling, afraid is a posture. I get to choose my perspective; I get to choose whether or not to walk. 

The word says that we walk by faith and not by sight, and the perfect tension between faith and feeling is walking. But if we’re all honest here, we don’t truly know what that means. And even if we say we do, we don’t do it 100% of the time — walking by faith is not easy work. Walking can seems so easy from the sidelines or as a spectator, but it’s not always the case for the one with the shoes on. Still, we have a choice to walk and the choice won’t go anywhere until we decide.

It took me all of five years to decide, and this decision has been fortified and permanently engraved onto my heart. And as the Lord to set me free, walked with me, and supped with me, I made the choice to keep walking because I just wanted to move forward. 

This year, forward is the only way to go. And as I move forward, I can’t help but feel as though I’ve just arrived. I’ve lived in this beautiful place for 5 years, it feels as though I’m finally here. I’m finally present; finally somewhere; finally here with me and with God. It’s a strange and exciting feeling.

5 years. That’s how long I’ve been here, and God never left me. Instead, He kept me. He pruned me. He made me. He spoke with me. He shaped me. He transformed me. He loved me.

God did all of those things and more to get me to this point, and it’s not even my final destination. My arrival is the beginning of yet another wonderful journey. A new walk, only this time I’m not walking towards or into something. This time, I’m walking as something, better yet someone. 

Completely unveiled, perfectly beautiful. I’m walking as myself, Jazzmine with the hard “i.”

And my God, my God; I’m grateful!