it's not just about sex, girl Part 2
This entry comes at the end of the last chapter of a book I’ve been reading, and I don’t find it any coincidence that the chapter was about sex. For those of you wondering, or needing something to read, the book is titled “The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God.” It’s written by Timothy Keller and his wife, Kathy, and the chapter was “Sex and Marriage.”
Much like this two-part blog entry, this chapter isn’t your average birds-and-the-bees, purity, abstinence, chastity talk. With everything I’d read in it already, coupled with the work God is doing in my heart, their unconventional approach to the topic didn’t come as a surprise. The whole book, to be honest, was pleasantly unconventional and I 10/10 recommend it as required reading. Also, to be clear, it’s not a self-help book or a marriage manual, just an offering of a new perspective. (not an ad, just an honest review)
Sex is holy. I mentioned it enough in Part 1 of this blog series, so I hope you understand it is a good gift created and given by a good God who wants us to experience the depth of a good, loving union with our spouses that ultimately glorifies Him. Sex, as it was created, is holy. It’s a good and beautiful thing within the proper context. The more I began to accept this, the more I started to really see why.
There is a high value on what God desires for us to experience when we engage in such an out-of-body, embodied, and divinely unifying act. Sex unites us to one another spiritually and draws every facet of our being into the moment. Two truly become one, and we’re actually meant to experience that oneness. We’re meant to experience the depth of whole love, whole acceptance, and sweet intimacy that comes from such a divine gift of unity with another person. We’re meant to give of ourselves fully and completely to one another for each other’s pleasure. It’s not just about erotic satisfaction, though this absolutely has value. It’s about a rich connection and unfathomable love; a pleasing service that we get to give one another and share together.
When we understand that specific power and purpose of sex, seeing the value in it becomes easier and the importance of the union becomes clearer. Sex, within its true purpose, is a safe and free space where love abounds for whole life connection. Marriage, in its true purpose, is a promise of whole life commitment. Having sex within this space is freedom from judgement, fear, worry and into promised acceptance that grows and appreciates. A covering of love past, present, and future. This is a reflection of the love God has for us when we finally choose to walk with Him in relationship. Over time, as we grow and change, His loving commitment remains and we witness His faithfulness to us past, present, and future. In our union with God, we can show up completely bare and are always welcomed tenderly, lovingly, and passionately. Within a marriage union, a covenant promise of whole life commitment, we make space for each other to show up, grow, and be loved wholly in every way possible. Creating a safe space where we thrive together emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, creatively, and sexually. With full freedom to love, admire, adore, explore, and most importantly GIVE with no abandon or fear of judgement, betrayal, or rejection.
This is why sex within the context of marriage has such a high value to God. It’s all designed to bring us up into glory and more abundant satisfaction in life — never to leave us broken, hungry, and thirsty — because it glorifies God when we are a witness to His great love and when He fulfills His word in our lives.
The soil of my heart needed to be prepared to receive that revelation. For clarity’s sake, I’ll let you know what revelation I’m speaking about:
Sex is an embodied, out-of-body experience that unifies two people in every way. It’s meant to be enjoyed in that wholeness. In a marriage, two can become one freely. Whole-life commitment to self-sacrificing intimacy and service. This isn’t just a physical union, but a mental, emotional, creative, sexual, and passionate one.
This kind of freedom is pleasing to God, and He wants us all to experience it the right way.
This is what I’d been learning from God from the moment I decided my abstinence was to glorify Him. The chapter from the book further solidified everything the Holy Spirit was personally speaking to me about, especially with regard to the God-glorifying holiness of sex.
I mentioned in Part 1, I mentioned that the decision was sudden. Though true, the journey to get there was about three days long. I woke up the first day in tears about love and frustration about my desire to be committed to and chosen. God reminded me that I am already chosen in Him and that I can choose to love myself by choosing myself. The second day, I saw something online about abstinence and waiting for marriage. This was when God removed the idol that was in my heart. On the third day, the epiphany came while I was in my prayer closet talking with the Lord about my abstinence and sexual nature/desire. Of course, this conversation came because I was contending with my flesh and my convictions. I was talking with Him and reminding myself that I choose abstinence because of the desire to glorify God with my body. Within seconds I heard the Holy Spirit say, “it’s not just about sex,” and that’s when the lightbulb turned on. I was marveled as I repeated the sentiment to myself.
It’s not just about sex. What does it even mean to glorify God with my body? The question required me to consider all aspects of my existence — mind, heart, soul… thoughts, words, feelings… action, hesitation… wellness, fitness, eating habits, dietary choices, etc. Our bodies are Holy Temples to the Holy Spirit. I know that’s often used to justify shallow teachings about sex and abstinence, but please hear me when I say, I’m not going there.
When I considered my abstinence and the purpose of it, I didn’t think about every other aspect of what it means to glorify God with my body. So, when the Holy Spirit said that to me, I felt convicted, repented, and asked for forgiveness. And possibly not for what you think. Yes, giving into temptation and lust is something I shouldn’t do, but you want to know what else I shouldn’t do? Call what the Lord says is good, evil or deem what God deems holy as impure. I was in the shower condemning myself which ultimately sends Christ right back to the cross. It grieves the Holy Spirit.
That’s why the Holy Spirit told me it’s not just about sex. I needed to see the bigger picture. My words, my thoughts, my feelings, my unhealthy eating habits, my lack of exercise… any and everything I did to and toward my body made a difference in His Temple. That changed my perspective and my mind. It’s what got me to start working out again and recommit to not eating foods that cause me gut irritation. It’s what’s kept me mindful of my language and my thoughts. It’s what’s kept me aware of my feelings and not letting them control me all the time. It’s what’s helped me remember I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and beautiful in the eyes of my Father and my Bridegroom-King. This new perspective shifted my heart into seeing through the lens of grace, devoting my sight to Christ rather than to sin. And it all happened because God didn’t want me to miss the mark. He loved me and corrected me, turned me around, and shined His light on everything so I could see bigger.
Now, perhaps you can too. It’s really not just about sex. Sex isn’t just about sex, marriage isn’t just about marriage or sex, and neither is abstinence. There’s greater, God-glorifying purpose for all of it. They’re all inherently good and holy. They’re meant for enjoyment as we experience more fully the love and goodness of the One who created us, knows us, and desires for us to live a life of abundance in/with/through Him. So, wherever you are in your walk — especially in your walk of abstinence — I really hope my shared experience up to this point can help you a little bit, if not a lotta bit.
And as I always tell my friends: no matter what I say, please take it up with the Lord. He gives to each of us wisdom and insight for His will in our lives at different moments of our walks. Your personal convictions and revelations right now might not be the same as mine. And that’s completely okay.
Thanks for reading; I’ll be praying for you! If you have a prayer request, please reach out <3
