Crown of clouds
Whenever anyone asks me how to grow their hair when referring to mine, I tell them what I did. “Drink lots of water, eat well, use the right products, don’t wash it all the time, protective hairstyles are your friend… oh, and prayer.” I think that throws people off a bit because most hair gurus don’t mention that in their “how to grow your hair” tutorials, so I repeat that last part for clarity. “I prayed for my hair to grow,” and it’s true too. I prayed for seven days straight for the same thing because I believed God despite wondering if it was okay to pray something like that, and you know what I found out? It is.
Four years ago, I would’ve doubted someone who'd tell me that, too. In the earlier months of 2016, I did one of the most drastic things I could imagine: I had my hair shaved into a bald fade. During this time, I’d started attending a spiritual growth class at Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship. I told my classmates that my hair is symbolic of what I’m going through in life because I cut it in response to my distress, and, boy, I was going through it. I just recovered from a car accident, gave my life to Christ, and quit my jobs. I was living on my sister’s couch, trying to save my grades in school, and unfolding trauma. All of this while receiving words and messages from God about going, teaching, moving, and more. Everything I was doing was because I felt Him leading me in a specific direction, even if I didn’t know all the details. Although that was hard for most people to understand, I held onto it because I felt it in my bones, and He was always affirming what I believed.
This new hairdo was with me for a while, and I ended up learning some life-changing things about myself. The first was that I’m beautiful, like really beautiful — physically, of course, yet I mostly mean internally. The second was that God made me and desired to be close to me. Although acceptance was a struggle, I knew those things were true. I remember for one week, I fasted from everything — work, school, and food — and read my bible. I sat on the floor of my sister’s apartment and read from the moment I woke up to when I was going to bed. That was the first time the Bible had ever been a source of comfort for me, and it was how I learned that my closeness to God means everything to me. The last thing was that my relationship with my Heavenly Father was struggling, and my hair was a big part of that. At this point, I was more at peace with my situation because I believed in what God was doing every day. “It will get better.” In retrospect, there were so many times I could’ve done something to change my circumstances. I used to wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just listened -- one night in October, I did. My sister was gone somewhere, and I was watching my nephew at home. Someone she’d been seeing came by just about every other day wondering where she was. One night he stopped by and asked if he could charge his phone. Although a little uncertain if I should trust him, my heart softened, and I opened the door so he could come in. While my nephew was asleep on the couch to our left, we sat on the sofa and talked while his phone charged.
-- I honestly can’t remember his name for the life of me, so we’ll call him John for now. --
John asked me about my sister, my nephew, and what I was doing there. He mentioned to some degree that she talked about me and my actions. Talking to a stranger on my sister’s couch about my situation was unusual. Not very many people took to my decisions well, and I’d often received advice from others saying I sounded crazy. I shared my perspective and story anyway because I didn’t have many people close to me that I believed I could talk to. Somehow, though, John understood. He told me his mother was a God-fearing woman, and he knew what it was like living with someone whose decisions were sometimes confusing. At some point, though, he turned the attention to my hair. We got into an in-depth conversation about God and healing. I mentioned how I realized that I cut it because I was going through something that I couldn’t control. “Right now, I feel like God has been ministering to my heart that my hair is a direct representation of my relationship to Him. Any time I needed healing, I would cut off my hair. He’s showing me that I was also cutting off His healing and His love — I was cutting it short.” John told me that his mother always said that a woman should never cut her hair because God gives women hair for their glory. When he said that to me, I felt conviction in my heart that felt like something rose. God was working in that conversation, and after that night, I started letting my hair grow.
From that moment, it was as if a fire started and everything changed rapidly. A part of that change was my decision to move to Houston to live with my sister-friend and sister in Christ, Whitney, in November. Leaving everything I knew and being away from my family was one of the hardest decisions I’d ever had to make. My departure caused a lot of grief, but I knew it was for the best. My nephew asked why I couldn’t move with them. “I can’t. That’s not God’s will.” In retrospect, God was looking out for my best interest. Living in Houston built up a fire and courage in me. I was learning so much about my relationship with my Heavenly Father that it blew my mind. One of the lessons happened the same day I learned about prayer and that we should pray about everything. Yes, everything.
I’d just moved into Whitney’s new apartment, and we’d desired to walk with Christ more fervently and diligently by keeping each other accountable. She told me about this young woman she found on Youtube who said she prayed for her hair to grow. Ironically, the story she shared felt a lot like ours. We watched the Youtube video and were amazed at how much wisdom she had in the Word and how bold she was, and decided we would do that too. Honestly, I wasn’t very confident in my ability to pray for my hair to grow, but I held onto what she said about God caring about every one of our cares. The next morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom to shower and pray as I always did. I knelt on the bathroom mat, with my face down and my eyes shut tight. “God, I know you care about every little thing we care about, and honestly, it’s so hard to bring those things to you. I don’t want to ask for anything that is not in your will for me or self-serving in my desires, but the truth is that I want my hair to grow. I’m tired of cutting my healing short, and I’m tired of doing this. I’m tired of my life being this way. You said in your word that you desire for women to have long hair for their glory and that you care about what we care about. Because it’s in your word, it’s true. Lord, if you promised it and you keep your promises, then it must be true. I want my hair to grow as I’m growing in you. I want it to be a representation of my relationship with you. There’s nothing more that I want than that. So if I grow, it grows, and if I’m not growing, it’s not growing. And I won’t cut my hair anymore.”
When we pray, God hears us. It’s written that they are inflamed, and the smoke of our prayers is like incense; a pleasing aroma unto God because of Christ. [Psalm 141:2; Desiring God] He knows our thoughts, our needs, our hearts, and our words before we say them. It’s wonderful to have a Father who is so tentative and familiar with us that we don’t have to play a guessing game with Him. He cares, He listens, and that the details matter to Him just as much as the big things. Praying for my hair to grow seemed like a vain thing to do, and it was uncomfortable because I didn’t want it to seem like I wanted longer hair because of my vanity or lack of truly seeing myself as He made me. I just wanted to be closer, to stop cutting my healing and my growth short, and embrace all that He had for me, and I’m glad He knew that.
It was a slow process at first, but my hair did start growing. That prayer was a part of my morning for a while, and I prayed it so much that it found its way into my daily routines. As my hair grew, so did I. For the first time in my life, I realized that He hears me and keeps His word, so I kept mine. The only time scissors ever came close to my tresses was when I needed a trim, and to ensure that no more than what was necessary would be removed, I learned to trim my own hair. When I moved to New York and saw all of the women here with their natural hair, I thought it was all so beautiful. The way they wore their hair with confidence and an air of acceptance for how it was created — full, big, and upward. Black women’s hair, specifically, grows up and out. It’s as if it deliberately reaches to the heavens and to God, then expands to take up space and share the glory that we’ve been given. My hair wasn’t extremely long then, and I wanted so badly to have hair like theirs. I wanted a cloud; a beautiful cloud as if my head was sitting in the heavens, so I asked for one. I want a cloud. That was the goal; it was even on my vision board every year, and I prayed and continued to take care of the crown that God blessed me with.
Whenever anyone compliments me on my hair, I share this testimony. I proudly say, “I prayed for it," and I don't bat an eye. It may seem odd, and it may seem like a joke to some, but it isn’t to me. I made a promise to Him with that prayer. I humbled myself and did something completely uncomfortable with that prayer. I asked my Heavenly Father to do something pivotal in my walk with Him and trusted Him to do it. I believed Him, even when it was hard to do. I believed that prayer works, God keeps His promises, and He cares. My hair is a representation of my relationship with my Heavenly Father, as I believe it should be with every woman. When we cut off our hair, we learn how beautiful we are made. When we grow our hair and let it be, we learn how close to God we are. When we take care of our hair, we learn how reflective that is of our relationship with Him. God really blessed me with a cloud on my head. It continues to grow just as I asked so many years ago, and it’s been a reminder of His love for me.
Products I use:
Taliah Waajid Green Apple Aloe Leave-in + Curl Elixir + Deep Conditioner as instructed
Taliah Waajid Protective Styles Moisturising Mint Shampoo + Conditioning Serum as instructed
Made With Love Hair Serum I put into a spray bottle and spray mornings and before bed
Koils Hair+Body Butter twice a month when my hair is in twists long-term
Raw African Shea Butter edges and ends during protective styling
Glowe by Day Deep Conditioning Cap & Adjustable Bonnet I used the deep conditioning cap every other week for treatments
** I am not sponsored by these brands/businesses. These are the products that work best for my hair type, and I use them as instructed. I cannot guarantee they will deliver the same results for you, but they have been effective in my haircare regimen.
Photos by Curt Saunders
